Hi Carla,

The truth is many people will never understand you because there is so much diversity between people.

You can clarify your thoughts and feelings as succinctly as you can, (and hopefully as a result) there can be some unity of understanding. Remember it took a life time for you to be who you are today, and the same with the other person. It’s not realistic to think that in a short time a person could understand (what a lifetime of experiences have made), who you are today.

Instead of trying to get them to understand you, try to understand them. Put yourself in their shoes as much as possible. Listen more than speaking. While they are talking try to understand instead of formulating what you will say in response. Ask questions, lots of questions and refrain from taking over the conversation in your direction. You can find out a lot about the other persons thoughts and feeling as a result. Once they feel heard (even if you can’t agree), they are more receptive to hearing and respecting how you thing or feel also.

Most importantly be okay with being misunderstood. History is looking back into your future. The greatest minds in history were not only misunderstood, but also often maligned and ridiculed. Many were never affirmed for their greatness until after their death.

Remember who you are is not determined by what others think of you.

Treat others with kindness, honesty, and respect, even if it is not returned to you. This is true nobility.

Strive to understand more than to be understood.

Hi dear,

Well, when it comes to physical violence or abuse, you shouldn’t give him any chance. If he was physically violent a few times before getting married, things will get worse when you two officially have your own family. Once he had you trained to accept his criticism and control, he had to maintain that control. The longer a human is subjected to abuse, the harder it is to control them. Therefore, the abuse gets more intense but, the reward for your putting up with the abuse also gets more intense. The worse he behaves, the more you are rewarded for putting up with it.

This is where the relationship gets scary.

Please trust yourself and leave him!

Hi Linda,

All healthy adult humans will naturally be attracted to other healthy adult humans at some point in their lives. Both men and women are guilty and a piece of paper that says “married” won’t change that. It’s a completely natural instinct and not really something that is within our control. It’s unrealistic, immature, and just plain silly to believe that a spouse will never ever, in his lifetime, be attracted to someone else. It’s an impossible expectation driven by insecurity.

What you should do is stop listening to foolishness like micro cheating, and emotional affairs. Those concepts and articles are gibberish designed to sell magazines, and they keep the divorce lawyers and marriage counselors busy. Don’t drive yourself crazy with worry. Talk to your husband about your concerns. Create some ground rules together on how these situations should be handled to avoid hurt feelings in the future. Don’t listen to people that tell you how you should use threats or manipulation to control him, or that divorce is the go to answer. This is a time to lean in toward your husband, not away from him. You both promised to have and to hold, in good times and bad, forsaking all others…. He’s your friend, he’s your partner, and it’s very likely that one day you will be the one attracted to a man who is not your husband. When that happens, how would you want him to treat you?

Don’t turn this into a bigger issue than it needs to be. The fact that he is attracted to someone is not important. What is important, is that he hasn’t acted on it, and comes loyally home to you every night.

There’s nothing out the ordinary here. You’ll be fine.